Well, another day has come and gone, another week has passed us by, and here in a week, another month will have passed us by too. :( In a week, Bentley would have been 5 months. Wow. Where does time go? Seriously, most days, it feels like this all just happened yesterday or even today. There is no fabrications to that either. Blake and I are constantly stuck on those words...I'm sorry Stephanie, there is no heart beat. Those words changed our lives. I know many may say, "Steph, move on from that phrase." But, you know parents who have lost a child, you are stuck there forever. Those words define every aspect of my life, and it isn't wrong that they do. I honestly have thought about every aspect of my life differently since Bentley passed away. I have an entire different perception of life and what life means. I don't view anything with blinders, and I know that no one is promised tomorrow. I get that things happen out of our control, and I somewhat accept it all. It doesn't make me a negative person...it makes me a person who suffered such a great loss that it has now reshaped our thinkings. It has made us more cautious and understanding. It really has stripped the innocence of life from us--forever.
I don't think people understand that yes, Blake and I continue to live with this forever, but it is an everyday thing. Everyday we are having to tell someone what happened or answer to someone. We are reliving it constantly. And, it isn't always because we are stuck on that day. It is because we run into people every where we go. So what are we to do? Hide away in our homes? Another major thing of having a child die...you don't just lose your child. You lose your innocence, friends, family, life, and hopes and dreams. You meet new people and lose those who you thought would be there. You gain a new group of friends--a group of friends who understand your loss from personal experience. There are many days that I feel like I live a completely different life than many of my friends or family. It is completely unnatural to lose a child. No parent should have to bury their child. Ever.
Blake and I went to the doctors office the other day, and we spoke to the staff. Wow, that was difficult. It was definately a good experience though. I really think I conveyed my feelings to the staff, and I don't believe there was many dry eyes in that room. It was difficult to talk to them since this was such a close to heart talk, but I felt a sigh of relief afterwards too. I feel that it helped me come to terms with everything. I was able to explain to the staff what I thought could have been better, and I was able to hear my nurses perspective of that day who was my triage nurse, and I was able to visualize put a face to the loss of Bentley. Tears streamed down my face, but I was able to truly show them my pain and sorrow, but my willingness to help others. My desire is that if just one thing out of my story can ever help someone else, then Bentley's life has been giving yet another meaning. I know his life has meaning, but I know that his precious life is touching so many, and I plan to help make that happen. I want to be a voice for those that went to heaven too soon.
I know I've slacked on the blogging lately. Don't think I fell off the face of the earth...we've been moving and whatnot, so life been a little busy, but I will be updating more often now that we are getting situated. I miss Bentley so much everyday, and I know Blake does too. We have our ups and downs, but I will constantly tell everyone. I stand here because of Jesus. He is carrying us through, and He gives us strength and the power to push forward. And, I know that Bentley is in heaven telling everyone "That's my mommy and daddy". I know that Bentley is proud, and we want to continue to make Bentley prou