Last night was a pretty rough night. I slept for approximately an hour tops. I don't like taking sleeping medication every night to sleep simply because I don't find that to be completely healthy to depend on medicine to sleep, but it sure does help. The nights that I don't take anything, Blake and I find ourselves up all night. The nights that I don't take it here is how it goes: 1) I simply can't fall asleep and 2) When I fall asleep the nightmare begins again starting with 10-17-11. and 3) I have nightmares of everything else I have thoughts of what my first day back to work is going to be like, I have fears of seeing people in public, or I just simply have bad dreams. I wish they would stop. So, typically I'll wake back up, and sit up for alittle bit, only for the entire process to start all over again. Please take these away God. I feel like its horrible enough that we have to go through this but I wish we didn't have to continue to replay everything night after night, day after day. I'm hoping for the day that it all just starts to become easier.
I don't think this blog is going to be very long or anything..I haven't felt like much talking today. I have my moments where I just want to talk about it over and over again, then I have my moments where I just want to sit and think about what Bentley is doing and how excited I am to see him again. Then, I have my moments where I just want someone to talk about anything--anything at all without having this awkwardness. I feel like it is so hard to have conversations with people now because no one knows what to say. They don't know if they should say something or say nothing. And, I will be honest, most times I don't know what they should say either.
Church was pretty good this morning. Pastor Dave was discussing how God has ultimate control of everything that happens. He is going through Revelations right now, and we were just discussing the beginning of the chaos that will take place, and it is just amazing that utlmately in the mist of everything God still always has control. Lately, we have been living our lives knowing that somehow someway God has a plan for this whole ordeal. We have NO CLUE why, and I don't think we ever will, but I cling to hope that God is in control. I have to cling to it because there isn't much else to cling to. I have always been someone who likes to have control of situations, and I have a feeling that God is teaching me something big about control. I have learned that life is precious. We aren't guarented our next breathe. EVER. I have always known that bad things happen, and sometimes we don't know why, but this has hit home completely. I now understand the importance of life and how fragile and how blessed we are to even be standing.
The hardest part of today thought was church. It shouldn't be hard to go to church, but everywhere I looked there was another pregnant smiling person. I don't want to take away that happiness they have, but it is so hard to smile and be genuinely happen for someone while Bentley should turning 1 month old this week. It is so hard to sit back and watch pregnant mothers touch their stomachs to feel their baby kick, while I long to feel that again. I don't want to be negative or upset or hostile, but it sucks. There really isn't other word for it. I know that God will bless us again. I strongly believe that. And, I am placing everything in His hands, not in my control. But, it simply is hard to smile and be happy when we have experienced such a bittersweet moment. It is difficult to think that just 4 weeks ago everything was perfect, then our world came crashing down.
But, we have made it so far...and I know with the strength of God that Blake and I will continue to move forward. The next big thing is walking into Bentley's room. I really feel ready, but I am nervous. I'll be honest. I just want to hold his things. I want to go in there and remember everything. I want to think about all the preparations that Blake and I did for Bentley....I'll let everyone know how it goes when we decide to go in...I am thinking it will be sooner than later..
Bentley, mom and dad love you so much. I placed your stocking up today. I know it's early, but I wanted to go ahead and look at it. I plan to write you letters of all the things that I was looking forward to doing this holiday season--even though you wouldn't have remembered it!