Christmas has come, and it has gone. Time has seemed to pass so quickly. There are moments that it still feels like October 16, 2011. And, I will be quite honest--I wish it was most days. I miss Bentley so much. Blake and I both so wish that he was here with us to spend Christmas. I wished that I would have gotten to put him in his Christmas outfit, and I wish I got to see his little eyes staring at Christmas lights. I wish that I got to "show him off" at Christmas services, dinners, and outings. I long for the moment that I have Bentley in our arms, and we take a family photo. I just wish Bentley was here.
I know that many have seen that Blake and I are expecting again. I have struggled to blog this past week because we waited to wait to tell everyone until Christmas. It is also difficult because I have a lifetime of words that I would love to say Bentley. Its difficult to write because words can't describe the moments that I want with him. Blake and I are very thankful and appreciative that God has blessed us with another child, a sibling for Bentley. Our fear is that people would automatically assume that "we are over Bentley". We both will be the first to admit to everyone--we are NOT over him. I cried all afternoon on Saturday; I cried Saturday evening, and we shed tears today. We will continue to grieve Bentley. We will continue to shed tears. We have a lifetime of tears to cry for Bentley. I tell God everyday that I am thankful for this baby that Blake and I will be having, but I also still wish Bentley was here to celebrate this good news. Blake and I had planned to have multiple children; so, we may be pregnant again, but our family photo's will always be missing Bentley.
When I found out I was pregnant, I can not even begin to express the millions of emotions that flooded through our minds. I have now begun everyday and ended every evening by handing this child and our life straight to God. I pray everyday that God will bless us. I pray everyday for a healthy baby. I pray everyday and tell God that I can't do this on my own. And, I can tell you that I will continue to do that. I will continue to rely on God because I know this pregnancy is going to be a roller coaster. It is going to be difficult for this simple reason--I now know and I understand that just because you survive the 1st trimester, the 2nd trimester, the 3rd trimester, and even the first few months of life--it doesn't mean you'll have a baby at the end of everything. And, that statement isn't me being negative or thinking the worst--it's reality. It is the truth; it's scary to think that, but it's life. So, we have decided that we will continue to thank God for every moment. I will praise Him everyday for this baby. Boy, girl, red hair, blonde hair, brown hair, short, tall, chunky, skinny, whatever this child will be--I will love them. I will love them with every ounce in their body. And, you know who taught me that--Bentley. Bentley has taught me how to appreciate life. He has taught me so much. And, I don't just say that. Bentley truly changed my life. And, people who know me. The people who have truly been there, they are the ones who knew the Steph BEFORE Bentley, and they are the ones that know the Steph now. He has forever changed me.
I am asking each person who has supported us through this time to continue to pray for us as well. I am asking because I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that God has brought Blake and I here, and He WILL continue to carry us through. God has given us Bentley, and he has given us a 2nd child. And, he will guide us through everything. So, we ask everyone to join us in that prayer. We ask that God will wrap his arms around us through time as we grieve and share excitement. It is going to be a journey, and we will get through it. I don't ask for advice, and I don't ask for people's thoughts. I don't care if people think "it's too soon" or "maybe they'll be over Bentley now" or whatever your thoughts may be--those don't phase me. I didn't have a miscarriage. It wasn't something that is hard--it is the MOST difficult thing in the world. So, please don't judge us, and don't tell us what we should do because we are listening to God. We are placing it all in His hands.
I do not want to stress or be upset all the time or worry about the future so Blake and I are focusing on the week, the day, the hour, the minute, and the second. I'm not talking about week 40. Heck, I'm not talking about week 6 yet. There is no reason to..I'm going to take it as it comes because that is all we can do. It is how we will get through this.
Praise God for this miracle. It is our Christmas miracle! Bentley and Jesus sent it to us. And, I am forever greatful! We survived the dreaded holiday, but I wish Bentley was here, and I know that will never change. I miss our son. He will forever hold my heart--he is my firstborn son. And, I may not have ever gotten to see his precious little eyes, but I felt those kicks, those hiccups, and those punches. I heard his heart. And, I held his precious 6 lbs. 19. inches body in my arms. I held him close, and I will never forget that. He changed my life. There's nothing else to it. I thank God for those 38 weeks. I