Today was kinda of difficult. It started by waking up and getting right back into bed until about noon. Some days we just don't want to get out of bed, and if we do sometime we end up right back in bed minutes or hours later. After we woke up, Blake ate some lunch, and we got ready to go pick up my glasses because they came in already. I just ordered them yesterday--pretty quick return. Well, we did accomplish a difficult task prior to picking up my glasses from Alleghany Optical.
I needed to drop off some cookie dough that my aunt order to her--well, she works at the hospital. Blake and I were going to wait in the car and have her come to the sidewalk so that we didn't have to walk inside, but we changed our minds. We decided to walk into the hospital. I am glad we decided to do that. I discovered that my badge works at the OR entrance on the side of the hospital where physicians park, so it is going to be my new way to enter the hospital. If I enter that door, then I do not need to go through those revolving doors that reminds me of 10-17 entrance to the hospital, and the exit is the way that I left the hospital the day I got discharged. So, anyways, back to our adventure today. Blake and I walked into the hospital, and we were there for approximately 30-40 minutes. It was a HUGE accomplishment. I also got to see the doctor who did my epidural. She walked by us, and my aunt said "well you remember, stephanie", and I didn't recognize her at first. I was thinking, "Um, who is this doctor? I don't know her" Then, I realized, she smiled at me and it all came back. It is so odd because she smiled, and it was like the hall way morphed into a different place. The hallway instantly became our hospital room; I felt like it was happening all over again. We thanked her for such good work that she did with the epidural since I had no problems. My back hasn't hurt once, and there was no bruise or anything. She told me that she was proud of us for making it back into the hospital. It felt good to hear her say she was proud of us. It felt good to know she remembered me, and I wasn't just some other patient who she stuck a huge needle in their back. My heart hurt...I felt like I had a huge lump in my chest. while we stood in the hospital...but we accomplished it.
We chatted with my aunt for a little bit more, and we ventured to the mall to pick up my glasses. This is where the day turned to be difficult. We talked to my mom and dad for few at the mall after my mom got off work, then Blake and I were leaving. As we walked down the hall to the car, we saw this little boy. A little boy who looked about three. He was this red headed kid. I got really quite, and Blake knew something was wrong. I placed my sunglasses on my face, and I tried to hide my tears. I stared at the sky, and I just wanted an answer. I wanted to know why? Why did this happen? I knew there was no answer to why this happened. I knew that I couldn't question God, but seriously WHY...I don't want to watch ANYONE go through this. My heart was hurting so bad--it still does. But, I just wanted to scream...I cried for probably about 4 hours. I don't want to question-I simply just don't want it to happen ever. I know that is a naive response, but I'm honest. I sat and thought about all the Christmas decor at the mall--even the fact that Santa and Mrs. Claus are now at the mall....I wondered if that little boy was headed to see Santa, and I thought for a moment that I could hear Bentley at the age begging me to go see Santa. It is these moments that I see children really of any ages that I start to imagine Bentley at that particular age. I just wish I could hold him....this evening my heart is feeling really heavy. It is aching. My brain hurts, and my body just feels exhausted. We miss him so much...
Blake and I are watching UNC game; it is pretty cool it is being played on the USS Carl Vinson. The sunset was beautiful, and I just think about Bentley. One reason I think about Bentley is because Blake and I wishes that he was here to watch this game with him. I know Blake was really looking forward to watching Carolina games with him. I can tell you that Bentley is getting to watch these UNC games with Pop Pop Gordon just like Blake did when he was in kid; except, they get to watch them in Heaven. They have the best seat in the house! Then, the second reason it made me think of Bentley was because every time we see a pretty sky line or beautiful sunset or simply amazing sky, Blake and I say that Bentley is finger painting (ha, and of course, he got his talent from his mom--NOT) :) We saw that every time we see pretty colors in the sky that Bentley is helping Jesus make the sky beautiful...it brings tears to my eyes. I just wish I could have a moment with him. But, I know the second I had a moment--I would want a lifetime--I already do.
But, I will end with this; Blake and I made some big accomplishments today by going to the hospital, but it was such a difficult day. I am today needing strength. Blake and I are going to be going into Bentley's room sometime soon. I kind of am ready to go this weekend simply because I want to see him stuff. I want to hold his clothes that he was in. I want to sit in there and write to him and cry and just for a moment maybe relive the times I spent hours of organizing and reorganizing his things. I am flooded with memories everytime we pass someone's house we purchased things for Bentley at a yard sale. My mind is overwhelmed of memories everytime we pass Target or K mart or enter Walmart. Every thing reminds me of Bentley...Bentley was my life. He was my focus, and he was involved in every detail of my life. My entire pregnancy I was devoted to be better for Bentley and to provide for Bentley. Blake and I changed so much when we became parents. And, I can tell you that we will continue. We will continue to make Bentley a focus. I am still his mother, and Blake is still his father. We ARE parents, and we still have an obligation to Bentley. We will make him proud. We will forever love him and he will forever have our hearts. We l