Today I went back to work alone. Not did I have my first day back alone, but I also had to work between 5east and 5west this morning. Thankfully it wasn't as crazy as it typically was, but I will be quite honest...I walked over to 5east, and it was like I forgot how to function for a little. My mind was everywhere. It scares me when I feel like I HAVE to do everything...I have anxiety when it comes to chaos and just the burden of having to be solely responsible for things. I'm hoping eventually this goes away. I am not used to be so out of control of my emotions. It makes me literally feel like I am going crazy. Today, I especially felt like I was going crazy.
Last night we went roller blading, and it was good. We had a lot of fun, but I came home and I was alittle sore from using muscles that I haven't used in awhile. I attempted to fall asleep, and I just couldn't. And, I knew I couldn't take anything to sleep because then I wouldn't get out of bed in the AM. So, I tossed and turned. I finally fell asleep and this was my dream. I was sleeping in my dream, and I wake up. I wake up, and I"m all alone. I'm in a bright place with lots of lights. It is just so bright. And there were tons of rooms. There was no doors on the rooms, but room after room after room. And, I ran down halls. That is all I did my entire dream was run. I ran from room to room searching for something. In my dream, it seemed that I couldn't find what I was looking for, and I woke up very frustrated. I realized that I'd been sleeping for only an hour or so, so I attempted to fall asleep again. This time I am in a really bright room....finally I got to the right room. This time I find Bentley. Here is there. I saw him. He was a baby, and he was just there, but I couldn't get to him. I could see him, but I couldn't reach him. There was something blocking me from getting to him, so I just sat there watching Bentley...then I woke up. I tossed and turned some more....finally 5:45am came, and I jumped up and got ready and I headed off to work.
I arrived at work, and it was so weird. I was busy, so I was "back into the swing" of things. I felt like it hadn't happened. I felt like I was waiting for Bentley to come. It was the strangest feeling. I KNEW it had happened because I was seeing it happen as I was thinking that it wasn't happening. I know this sounds so bizarre, but it is so difficult to explain. It makes me like I am going crazy. I literally have felt crazy all day. At one point, I was thinking maybe I just should just go admit myself to 1West....maybe then I'd feel okay. I just hate these feelings. I am handing them to God. I prayed the entire way through work because I felt so alone. I felt like I was missing something. And, I am missing something. I am missing Blake and I's son. I know he isn't lost. And I know he is in good hands with Jesus', but I feel like sometimes he's so close in spirit, but yet he is so far away. Heaven is this place that seems so close at a times when I close my eyes and imagine life with Bentley, then it feels so far away. There are moments that I was just losing it. I walked to the bathroom, and I just sunk down on the floor, and I just sobbed. I sobbed because I just miss him so much.
I try to think about how coming to the hospital has some good parts of it all too. The hospital is where I get to meet Bentley. It is where I got to hold him. So, I pretend that when I'm there that I'm not really there in the hospital. Again, I may sound crazy, but as I walk down those halls...I just close my eyes or put my head down. I just pretend I am somewhere else. Sometimes it works, not always, but it sure does help alittle. Ha, except when a patient is sitting in his room going "Mam, young lady, hey you, can you come here please?" This elderly man needed help sitting up in his bed because he couldn't see his TV. Those are the moments that I love being there. I love feeling like I helped someone...today he says "what is your name Hunny?--are you my nurse? I told him no, and my name was Stephanie. He said aw well, I think you should be my nurse, Your sweet. It broke my hurt. Part of me has wanted to be a nurse, but then the other part of me is scared to death to really get involved into any type of patient care. It scares me because I feel emotionally connected to so much now just being a secretary. It irks me when doctor's come in and they don't know their patients name or what they are there to treat them for. It irks me when nurses and CNA laugh about having to take someone to morgue. It irks me to joke about a human life so much. I think if I was a nurse, it would be too much emotionally. I already looked at a women today, and I just said "I'm so sorry" I understand what it means to lose your life. I get it. And, I do. She lost her husband, and I lost my son. I know it isn't the same, but it in the end I feel her pain. I feel the longingness that you want with someone. I understand. And, it just made me so sad today. I had to get things ready. I had to get a death certificate. Someone wanted to tell me something about a death certificate , and they were incorrect, so I was correcting her. She was getting annoyed because I said, no I understand a death certificate. And, she just looked at me. I said I just dealt with all this. It isn't fair....Then, the funeral home called. They called to find out when his body would be released....I started to cry. I had to run again. I hate it. Again, it brings me to that moment.....the moment I gave Bentley back to the nurses. The moment I had to say goodbye. I just said hello--how could I say goodbye? Bentley has his entire life to live...it isn't right. It shouldn't be this way. I think about how the funeral home was calling L&D to find out when Bentley's body would be released. Who wants to make that phone call? You shouldn't have to make that phone call, not for an infant, not for my son, not for Bentley....
Last night we went roller blading, and it was good. We had a lot of fun, but I came home and I was alittle sore from using muscles that I haven't used in awhile. I attempted to fall asleep, and I just couldn't. And, I knew I couldn't take anything to sleep because then I wouldn't get out of bed in the AM. So, I tossed and turned. I finally fell asleep and this was my dream. I was sleeping in my dream, and I wake up. I wake up, and I"m all alone. I'm in a bright place with lots of lights. It is just so bright. And there were tons of rooms. There was no doors on the rooms, but room after room after room. And, I ran down halls. That is all I did my entire dream was run. I ran from room to room searching for something. In my dream, it seemed that I couldn't find what I was looking for, and I woke up very frustrated. I realized that I'd been sleeping for only an hour or so, so I attempted to fall asleep again. This time I am in a really bright room....finally I got to the right room. This time I find Bentley. Here is there. I saw him. He was a baby, and he was just there, but I couldn't get to him. I could see him, but I couldn't reach him. There was something blocking me from getting to him, so I just sat there watching Bentley...then I woke up. I tossed and turned some more....finally 5:45am came, and I jumped up and got ready and I headed off to work.
I arrived at work, and it was so weird. I was busy, so I was "back into the swing" of things. I felt like it hadn't happened. I felt like I was waiting for Bentley to come. It was the strangest feeling. I KNEW it had happened because I was seeing it happen as I was thinking that it wasn't happening. I know this sounds so bizarre, but it is so difficult to explain. It makes me like I am going crazy. I literally have felt crazy all day. At one point, I was thinking maybe I just should just go admit myself to 1West....maybe then I'd feel okay. I just hate these feelings. I am handing them to God. I prayed the entire way through work because I felt so alone. I felt like I was missing something. And, I am missing something. I am missing Blake and I's son. I know he isn't lost. And I know he is in good hands with Jesus', but I feel like sometimes he's so close in spirit, but yet he is so far away. Heaven is this place that seems so close at a times when I close my eyes and imagine life with Bentley, then it feels so far away. There are moments that I was just losing it. I walked to the bathroom, and I just sunk down on the floor, and I just sobbed. I sobbed because I just miss him so much.
I try to think about how coming to the hospital has some good parts of it all too. The hospital is where I get to meet Bentley. It is where I got to hold him. So, I pretend that when I'm there that I'm not really there in the hospital. Again, I may sound crazy, but as I walk down those halls...I just close my eyes or put my head down. I just pretend I am somewhere else. Sometimes it works, not always, but it sure does help alittle. Ha, except when a patient is sitting in his room going "Mam, young lady, hey you, can you come here please?" This elderly man needed help sitting up in his bed because he couldn't see his TV. Those are the moments that I love being there. I love feeling like I helped someone...today he says "what is your name Hunny?--are you my nurse? I told him no, and my name was Stephanie. He said aw well, I think you should be my nurse, Your sweet. It broke my hurt. Part of me has wanted to be a nurse, but then the other part of me is scared to death to really get involved into any type of patient care. It scares me because I feel emotionally connected to so much now just being a secretary. It irks me when doctor's come in and they don't know their patients name or what they are there to treat them for. It irks me when nurses and CNA laugh about having to take someone to morgue. It irks me to joke about a human life so much. I think if I was a nurse, it would be too much emotionally. I already looked at a women today, and I just said "I'm so sorry" I understand what it means to lose your life. I get it. And, I do. She lost her husband, and I lost my son. I know it isn't the same, but it in the end I feel her pain. I feel the longingness that you want with someone. I understand. And, it just made me so sad today. I had to get things ready. I had to get a death certificate. Someone wanted to tell me something about a death certificate , and they were incorrect, so I was correcting her. She was getting annoyed because I said, no I understand a death certificate. And, she just looked at me. I said I just dealt with all this. It isn't fair....Then, the funeral home called. They called to find out when his body would be released....I started to cry. I had to run again. I hate it. Again, it brings me to that moment.....the moment I gave Bentley back to the nurses. The moment I had to say goodbye. I just said hello--how could I say goodbye? Bentley has his entire life to live...it isn't right. It shouldn't be this way. I think about how the funeral home was calling L&D to find out when Bentley's body would be released. Who wants to make that phone call? You shouldn't have to make that phone call, not for an infant, not for my son, not for Bentley....