People complain SO much about their kids--they complain that they talk to much, or cry too much, or play too much or care too much. Blah! Blah! Blah! At the end of the day, people, YOU HAVE YOUR KIDS. Take the moments that you have and make them count. I don't want to play the pity me card, but be thankful the times and moments that you DO have. Life is fragile, and we aren't guarented our next breathe. I now know and understand that statement. I have heard it oh so many times, and it always seemed to go into one ear and out the other, but it is true. And, the death of a child is literally the worst thing, I swear. I have felt the death of close friends and the death of grandparents, but I can tell you the tears I cry for my son --they don't compare. Yes, I miss my other loved ones, and I agree that no loss is a good loss...but I feel like I lost so much. I lost my first born son.
For some strange reason...one of my favorite Bible character's has always been Job. Many probably think that's odd, but it is. I don't know why he's story has always stuck in my brain. I really feel like Job, and I am striving to overcome anything like Job did through God. I know God won't give me anything he thinks that I can't handle. It amazes me that Job lost everything, and he still praised God. I've never in my life felt more like Job than I do now....
Again, I don't want people by any means to sit and read my post or blogs and think "pity Blake and Stephanie". I want people to learn and care genuinely. I want people to realize the love that we had and will continue to have Bentley. I want Bentley to be able to change lives. I told him my entire pregnancy that he was going to be someone who changed lives...I know I said it before, but I never thought it would be this way. I will often express my anger or frustrations or hurt that I didn't have a lifetime with my son, but I AM THANKFUL FOR THE 38 weeks. It may not seem like nothing, but it is everything.
I remember when I found out I was pregnant....I had missed my period, and I hadn't been feeling very well, so I decided that I would go to Walmart after dropping Blake off at work to get a test. Who do I run into while buying it? My dad...go figure. So...I try to sneak out of Walmart with my pregnancy test because I just didn't want to tell anyone until I knew for sure. I went home to take my test, and it came up with an extremely and I mean extremely light pink plus sign. Now, let me back track for a second...I had taken a test the night before too. It was one of those dollar store ones--people told me that they were the same! It is all lies because I had a dud; it didn't tell me positive or negative. It did nothing! Which brings me back to my results...the plus sign was very very very light pink. I took a picture, and I sent it to Blake while he was working. He sat in training all day just staring at it, and I sat at home all day just staring at it thinking "hm, it's so light--on TV they always made it seem like BAM you're pregnant"...so I called the doctor's office and I was like I think I may be pregnant....the girl explains that any positive regardless if it is light pink or dark pink means it is a positive...They decided to bring me the following week to determine everything.
Immediately Blake and I changed our life style. I gave up drinking. I decided to eat healthy. I really began changing my life 100%. We were planning our wedding already, so I kicked everything into high gear. I had planned everything....I believe by 10 weeks I had Bentley's crib, and we had started filling the room with furniture. I remember we started yard saling within weeks after finding out I was pregnant. Bentley had more clothes than Blake and I combined. And, he didn't just have clothes for 0-3 or 3-6. We had purchased clothes all the way until he was like 3T or 4T.
Many people told me how "over prepared" that I was. I never saw it that way at all. I viewed as being ready for my son. I didn't care what people thought; Blake and I continued to purchase things and make plans. I would read reviews of toys and products before we purchased it. I made list and list, and I read books and books. I researched what we would need, and I signed us up for every class. I was ready for Bentley...I wanted Bentley...I loved Bentley from the moment that we found out. Now, I know that many dad's are excited when they find out they are becoming a dad, but I can honestly say that I have never met someone more excited than Blake. Blake was amazing from day one. He put up with my over preparedness for Bentley, and don't let him fool you...he joined in too! We were both always having Bentley come first. Blake would get up and go yard saling with me. And, honestly, Blake picked out most of Bentley's clothes. Blake would go to every appointment with me--he only missed like two, and it was because his work schedule just couldn't make it work. He was ALWAYS there for me when I was pregnant. Blake was by far more involved than the average father. He became a father when I became pregnant. There's a saying about something where a mother becomes a mother when she finds out she is pregnant and father becomes a father when he sees his child. In our case, we proved that statement wrong. Blake was a father the moment we discovered we were pregnant. I can't thank him enough for everything that he did for us. He is the BEST father...I love him so much!
And, I know I started this blog talking about how mad that I am about how people take things for granted with their kids..I will end this blog discussing my blessings from my 38 weeks that I had with Bentley. I'm thankful for the moments that I got to spend with him laying in bed. Blake and I would talk to him every night before bed, I'd normally be apologizing saying "man Bentley..you are going to think your parents are crazy" Blake would tell Bentley that he loved me, and he would look at my stomach and kiss it and tell bentley that he loved him too. It was our nightly routine. I am thankful for the moments that I got to watch Blake read my stomach bed time stories....we'd pick books off the shelf that we purchased at yard sales to read to Bentley. I know Bentley loved it because he would kick me. i loved the moment that Blake first felt Bentley kick. The look on his face was just priceless. He looked at me with his eyes big with excitement. I am thankful for the times I heard his precious heart beating....
Well...this is enough for now...I just wanted to write a little bit. It really helps to write about it. I went to his grave today, and we put new flowers there. I created a silk flower arrangement for him, and I repositioned all his other flowers and pumpkin. It was emotional because every time I go--it hits me all over ago...one day I hope the nightmare stops...it continues to replay constantly...I am trying though to work through it now because I have to deal with these emotions so they don't build up. I decided to help coach a volleyball team this year so I can take some time to make a difference. I know Bentley is going to be my strength. I changed the moment I found out I was pregnant, and I am still Bentley's mom, so I will continue what I started....
I love you Bentley. I always will. Your daddy and I both love you oh so much....you had my hands, and you had dad's feet. We are going to be those hands and feet. We decided that we want to do what we can to make difference. I appreciate all the love and support that I have gotten from everyone though. So anyone who reads this...thank you! Words can't describe how thankful that we are!