Lately I've been learning a lot. I find myself living in the world of "what should be" rather than the world of "what is". One of my biggest issues has been I should not have to be pregnant for two years before I actually get to take a baby home. I shouldn't have to do these things. I shouldn't have to live this painful life. I should have Bentley. I should be experiencing a life with him. Blake and I should be making memories with Bentley. We should be preparing for Chase with Bentley here.
This life is difficult. It is not easy by any means. Blake and I do not walk a typically path in life. We have hit hard times. We have hit exhausting times. I don't know how many people have experienced grief in their lifetime, but I can tell you that it is a difficult process to go through. It isn't easy. It's so difficult because I know people look at us, and they think (they may not say it), but I know they think it by their facial expressions...they believe we should "move on". People gives us those looks like "seriously, you guys are struggling--just get over it" People may not see it, but we see the look. I don't think people understand. I don't think that people get the enormity of our loss. Our loss was a lifetime. It wasn't just a baby. Bentley is our son, and we missed and will continue to miss a lifetime of events with him. We lost a part of ourselves. And, I think there's a whole bunch of other losses that come along with the loss of a child.
When Bentley died, apart of us died. When Bentley died, we lost a common bond between typically parents while forming a new bond with those parents who have suffered a loss of their own. We lost our friends. We lost some family. We lost our sense of naiveness. We lost our innocence to life. We continue to loss ourselves. Our children will suffer this loss. Chase will grow up without his brother. That breaks my heart. I dread those moments, those conversations that will have to take place. The questions of why and the details of things. I dread the every day questions...
Everyday people are asked, "is this your first child?" or "do you have any children?" , "what do your bracelets mean?", ect. We are asking continually questions about Bentley. I think on a daily basis, I explain Bentley's death at the minimum once a day. And, please, please, do not get me wrong. I LOVE talking about Bentley, but I hate to have the look in their eyes. I hate the pain that is felt. I hate that I take away someone else's innocence. I hate that I can tell the story without a tear in my eye because this is my normal knowing that the second the person walks away the tears stream down my face. I had walking around all day with a smile on my face, then driving home with swollen eyes because the day was just mentally exhausting.
I can not strive to people enough how mentally exhausting life is on a normal basis for us. We are always living for time to pass. We are anxious for days to come and go because they are exhausting. We cry day in and day out. I don't want pity. I don't want I'm sorry. I just want people to understand that this life--this life isn't easy. I can't tell you how difficult this life is, but I can tell you that I don't wish this life upon my worst enemy.
The only thing that gets me through is that I continue to have to put life back into perspective. I have to tell myself that I know Bentley is okay in heaven. I know he is safe. I know he is in the arms of Jesus, and I know that I will see him again. I still have no clue why this has happened, and to be honest, I probably never will until I am sitting in front of Jesus. But, I know that he understands our pain. I know that amidst all of this chaos, he is still, and I know and I still believe that he is carrying us through, and I will not give up that hope. I will not falter from that because God is the ONLY reason Blake and I are standing here today. God has placed the right people at the right time into our lives. He has intervened so many times in these 6 months that I could not ask for someone better to carry us through this. Do I have anxiety yes? Do I sometimes doubt? Do I have fears? YES that is human nature. I think it is natural, but I KNOW that God is in control, and I know that he will hold our hand. And, I Know that Bentley is here with us. I feel Bentley all the time. There are little things in life just show us his presence in our lives. I will continue to make Bentley apart of our lives. And, I will continue to Thank God for him everyday. I thank God for Bentley because he has taught me so much in his precious life. More than I've learned from anyone else in a lifetime. I live for Bentley. He is my reason to be a better person.And, I know that he is proud of us. I truly believe that.
Here's a picture of his grave that we recently decorated....
This life is difficult. It is not easy by any means. Blake and I do not walk a typically path in life. We have hit hard times. We have hit exhausting times. I don't know how many people have experienced grief in their lifetime, but I can tell you that it is a difficult process to go through. It isn't easy. It's so difficult because I know people look at us, and they think (they may not say it), but I know they think it by their facial expressions...they believe we should "move on". People gives us those looks like "seriously, you guys are struggling--just get over it" People may not see it, but we see the look. I don't think people understand. I don't think that people get the enormity of our loss. Our loss was a lifetime. It wasn't just a baby. Bentley is our son, and we missed and will continue to miss a lifetime of events with him. We lost a part of ourselves. And, I think there's a whole bunch of other losses that come along with the loss of a child.
When Bentley died, apart of us died. When Bentley died, we lost a common bond between typically parents while forming a new bond with those parents who have suffered a loss of their own. We lost our friends. We lost some family. We lost our sense of naiveness. We lost our innocence to life. We continue to loss ourselves. Our children will suffer this loss. Chase will grow up without his brother. That breaks my heart. I dread those moments, those conversations that will have to take place. The questions of why and the details of things. I dread the every day questions...
Everyday people are asked, "is this your first child?" or "do you have any children?" , "what do your bracelets mean?", ect. We are asking continually questions about Bentley. I think on a daily basis, I explain Bentley's death at the minimum once a day. And, please, please, do not get me wrong. I LOVE talking about Bentley, but I hate to have the look in their eyes. I hate the pain that is felt. I hate that I take away someone else's innocence. I hate that I can tell the story without a tear in my eye because this is my normal knowing that the second the person walks away the tears stream down my face. I had walking around all day with a smile on my face, then driving home with swollen eyes because the day was just mentally exhausting.
I can not strive to people enough how mentally exhausting life is on a normal basis for us. We are always living for time to pass. We are anxious for days to come and go because they are exhausting. We cry day in and day out. I don't want pity. I don't want I'm sorry. I just want people to understand that this life--this life isn't easy. I can't tell you how difficult this life is, but I can tell you that I don't wish this life upon my worst enemy.
The only thing that gets me through is that I continue to have to put life back into perspective. I have to tell myself that I know Bentley is okay in heaven. I know he is safe. I know he is in the arms of Jesus, and I know that I will see him again. I still have no clue why this has happened, and to be honest, I probably never will until I am sitting in front of Jesus. But, I know that he understands our pain. I know that amidst all of this chaos, he is still, and I know and I still believe that he is carrying us through, and I will not give up that hope. I will not falter from that because God is the ONLY reason Blake and I are standing here today. God has placed the right people at the right time into our lives. He has intervened so many times in these 6 months that I could not ask for someone better to carry us through this. Do I have anxiety yes? Do I sometimes doubt? Do I have fears? YES that is human nature. I think it is natural, but I KNOW that God is in control, and I know that he will hold our hand. And, I Know that Bentley is here with us. I feel Bentley all the time. There are little things in life just show us his presence in our lives. I will continue to make Bentley apart of our lives. And, I will continue to Thank God for him everyday. I thank God for Bentley because he has taught me so much in his precious life. More than I've learned from anyone else in a lifetime. I live for Bentley. He is my reason to be a better person.And, I know that he is proud of us. I truly believe that.
Here's a picture of his grave that we recently decorated....