Most days I have felt so exhausted or talked out enough during my work week to actually come home and write in my blog. It's bad. I need to put more of a focus on writing in my blog because it really does help to address and sort my emotions. I can also say that addressing those emotions also have become more difficult. It is hard to explain the grief and anguish that I deal with everyday with losing Bentley, and the excitement and happiness that surrounds baby #2. Grief and happiness are two VERY different emotions that affect us so differently. There are many days that I feel like I just need to be sad. Sad all day. All night. But, then I feel, "wow, God has blessed me to become pregnant again--why am I not happy?" It is a constant battle between anxiety, happiness, sadness, sorrow, anticipation, and every other emotion at once. Have you ever felt so many emotions at one time that it just is plain exhausting? It is a daily mind battle. It's so many emotions that makes your head spin, and it becomes difficult to worry about anything other than your daily routine.
A routine--that is our life. We get up, we go to work, we come home, we watch tv, and we go to sleep. Here and there our routine consists of shopping or running errands, but we do the same things day in and day out. We don't really plan too far ahead. We don't really stress or worry about the things in life. You know why? It is plain stressful. I should have Bentley here with us. We should be sleep deprived because we are up all night taking care of Bentley. I should have a crying baby in our arms right now, but instead we are indeed sleep deprived. We are sleep deprived because we lay awake for hours on end just reliving our worst nightmare. These aren't bad dreams or hallucinations--they are reality to us. Nothing is life is easy. No decision is simply. No action is made unless we contemplate numerous outcomes prior to deciding.
Another reason why it is continually hard to disclose all my thoughts and feelings and our journey through grief is because NO BODY UNDERSTANDS unless they've walked in our shoes. I know that I state that over and over again, but it is so true. It becomes so difficult to express our heartache when everyone around believes that this pain should stop or we should continue to move on. Blake and I have been moving forward, but we will never move on. I will forever mourn Bentley. People just don't understand. I didn't just lose Bentley on October 17, 2011. We lose Bentley everyday. Everything in life gives us a memory. A memory that we don't have, and we never will get. I ask everyone who has a child...think of those special moments that you've had. Think of those special moments that you are looking forward to. Think about if you lost your own child. How would you feel? Would you cry every second that you realized your hopes and dreams came crashing down? Would you instantly be "over" you child? Would you long to have those moments back that you did have your child for? Would you continue to long for your hopes and dreams with your child? Well, Bentley may have lived for 38 weeks inside of my belly, but he WAS a child. He wasn't a ball of cells. He was a living human growing baby whose life was cut short. His life was cut shorts, and Blake and I were robbed of every dream, hope, and desires that we had for Bentley and our life. We are parents who lost their baby--a baby who we never heard cry or laugh or even simply see his eyes open. I will never get those memories that every other parent gets. And, yes I may get them with baby #2, but it does NOT change the fact that Bentley is still going to be missed. I can't tell you how many times people want to tell me, "well, you're pregnant again--you'll get those memories" or "just wait". Well, you know what? I"VE BEEN WAITING!!! I wanted Bentley. I want Bentley. I will forever want those memories with Bentley. Blake and I can have 10 children, and I will ALWAYS long for those moments with Bentley. So, hello, people you aren't going to change that.
Another thing lately that has become so difficult is sharing the news of being pregnant with everyone--mostly people that I don't know. Oftentimes, people will say, "Oh, this is Stephanie...she's expecting her baby soon" or whatever the conversation starter might be. Well, it leads people to often ask, "How many children do you have? or is this your first"? Urgghh! I hate this question. I hate really telling the world that I'm pregnant, but I love telling the world too. So difficult. I hate watching the look in people's eyes when they learn that this is my 2nd child, but I have Bentley living in heaven. I hate the look of pity. I hate the sad look in their eyes. My reality is a nightmare, and I live it everyday. This reality is what Blake and I have to carry for the rest of our lives. Tomorrow will be one year from the day that I found out I was pregnant with Bentley. It was one year ago tomorrow that I called Capitol Women's Care and said, "I think I'm pregnant. The line is really faint, but I think I am pregnant". lol. :) I was so happy. :) I can't even describe that moment. Tomorrow is also 4 months from the day that we buried our precious Bentley. The 17th, 18th, and 24th of every month are always so difficult. I feel that they will always carry that sadness. We are left with dates to remember...I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I just want Bentley here...
A routine--that is our life. We get up, we go to work, we come home, we watch tv, and we go to sleep. Here and there our routine consists of shopping or running errands, but we do the same things day in and day out. We don't really plan too far ahead. We don't really stress or worry about the things in life. You know why? It is plain stressful. I should have Bentley here with us. We should be sleep deprived because we are up all night taking care of Bentley. I should have a crying baby in our arms right now, but instead we are indeed sleep deprived. We are sleep deprived because we lay awake for hours on end just reliving our worst nightmare. These aren't bad dreams or hallucinations--they are reality to us. Nothing is life is easy. No decision is simply. No action is made unless we contemplate numerous outcomes prior to deciding.
Another reason why it is continually hard to disclose all my thoughts and feelings and our journey through grief is because NO BODY UNDERSTANDS unless they've walked in our shoes. I know that I state that over and over again, but it is so true. It becomes so difficult to express our heartache when everyone around believes that this pain should stop or we should continue to move on. Blake and I have been moving forward, but we will never move on. I will forever mourn Bentley. People just don't understand. I didn't just lose Bentley on October 17, 2011. We lose Bentley everyday. Everything in life gives us a memory. A memory that we don't have, and we never will get. I ask everyone who has a child...think of those special moments that you've had. Think of those special moments that you are looking forward to. Think about if you lost your own child. How would you feel? Would you cry every second that you realized your hopes and dreams came crashing down? Would you instantly be "over" you child? Would you long to have those moments back that you did have your child for? Would you continue to long for your hopes and dreams with your child? Well, Bentley may have lived for 38 weeks inside of my belly, but he WAS a child. He wasn't a ball of cells. He was a living human growing baby whose life was cut short. His life was cut shorts, and Blake and I were robbed of every dream, hope, and desires that we had for Bentley and our life. We are parents who lost their baby--a baby who we never heard cry or laugh or even simply see his eyes open. I will never get those memories that every other parent gets. And, yes I may get them with baby #2, but it does NOT change the fact that Bentley is still going to be missed. I can't tell you how many times people want to tell me, "well, you're pregnant again--you'll get those memories" or "just wait". Well, you know what? I"VE BEEN WAITING!!! I wanted Bentley. I want Bentley. I will forever want those memories with Bentley. Blake and I can have 10 children, and I will ALWAYS long for those moments with Bentley. So, hello, people you aren't going to change that.
Another thing lately that has become so difficult is sharing the news of being pregnant with everyone--mostly people that I don't know. Oftentimes, people will say, "Oh, this is Stephanie...she's expecting her baby soon" or whatever the conversation starter might be. Well, it leads people to often ask, "How many children do you have? or is this your first"? Urgghh! I hate this question. I hate really telling the world that I'm pregnant, but I love telling the world too. So difficult. I hate watching the look in people's eyes when they learn that this is my 2nd child, but I have Bentley living in heaven. I hate the look of pity. I hate the sad look in their eyes. My reality is a nightmare, and I live it everyday. This reality is what Blake and I have to carry for the rest of our lives. Tomorrow will be one year from the day that I found out I was pregnant with Bentley. It was one year ago tomorrow that I called Capitol Women's Care and said, "I think I'm pregnant. The line is really faint, but I think I am pregnant". lol. :) I was so happy. :) I can't even describe that moment. Tomorrow is also 4 months from the day that we buried our precious Bentley. The 17th, 18th, and 24th of every month are always so difficult. I feel that they will always carry that sadness. We are left with dates to remember...I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I just want Bentley here...