Today was a rough day. Blake and I kept busy just looking around at the mall and shopping for our crazy Christmas sweaters for our family Christmas pictures. We had already picked out all of our Christmas "family" picture, and we changed our minds after we discovered Bentley couldn't be apart of it. So we are going to a funnier approach for Christmas pictures versus the serious, family photo. We had our moment of silence at 3:54pm to acknowledge our loss for Bentley just four weeks ago.
We were at the mall today and several others. Wow...when did Christmas sneak up on us? I swear Christmas moves up earlier and earlier every year in retail world. Everywhere we went Christmas music is playing and everyone is Christmas shopping. I am not excited about Christmas. Blake and I have been out looking for Christmas ideas for ornaments for Bentley's Christmas tree we started. I really have no desire to engage in celebrating a worldly Christmas. I will celebrate the birth of Christ, but screw the whole "Santa" side and gift giving and even gift getting. There isn't a thing in this world that I can think of that a literally need/want. I want my son. Can someone give Blake and I Bentley? No....I can answer that question; therefore, I'd rather just not participate in Christmas gift giving and laughing and all the emotions surrounding it. Just my opinion. One thing that I don't think many people understand about losing Bentley. I feel that many people who have lost other individuals can relate so much, but there isn't a way to describe the loss of a child. Blake had his basketball game tonight. We were sitting there waiting for his game to begin and my eyes filled with tears. Tears not for my baby Bentley, but my toddler Bentley. I cried because I won't get to have him by my side yelling "Go Daddy Go". Then, Blake's game started, and tears quickly filled my eyes again..this time tears for my twelve year old Bentley trying to tell everyone how to play basketball. Blake played really good tonight and FCF's team won, so that was definately good. But, tears fill my eyes again...tears fill my eyes because I won't ever see Bentley play basketball. Okay, now taking everyone back to my thought about how I don't think many people understand regarding out loss of Bentley--people don't need to shield their little baby from me or stop talking about children when I am around. It isn't always little kids that bring tears to my eyes. Yes, it is very difficult for Blake and I to see babies right now. But, tears come to my eyes when I think of the following: I won't ever see him push a kid on a play ground. I won't ever get to register him for t-ball, or basketball, or baseball. I won't ever get to take him to the dentist. (weird, I know!) I won't ever get to give him a lecture about how girls don't have cooties I won't ever get to take him to get his drivers lic.. Blake won't ever get to teach him to drive. Blake and I won't get to lecture him on his grades. Blake won't get to "have the talk" with him. And, so many more...the memories that I do have are completely different. Blake and I remember Bentley by our prep for him. We remember him by the houses we pass for yard saling. We remember the gifts people bought. We imagine what it would be like. We don't have solid "memories" persay, we have hopes. We have our dreams that we had for a life that Bentley would be apart of. We have our doctors appts and I have my sonogram pictures, but I don't have Bentley. I am thankful for all the memories that I have. I pass by houses or stores or just random triggers happens, and it brings a smile to my face. I remember the excitement and the anticipation that I had for Bentley to come. It makes me happy because I know that Blake and I love Bentley, and I know we loved Bentley long before we had Bentley. I don't ever want to take those 38 weeks for granted. I would relive those 38 weeks again and again and again. Bentley was the best baby. I had a great pregnancy with him, and he made me so happy. I know they say you have a "glow" when you're pregnant, but I glowed when I was pregnant. I can see it especially now. I look at pictures then and now, and I look different. I look in the mirror, and I see sadness and just simply grief. Blake and I miss Bentley so much. We long for the day that we get to see him again. I feel that it will be greatest reunion, and until then we will count our blessings. We will thank God for the moments that we had with Bentley, and we thank God for the changes that we've had in our lives. I am counting my blessings day by day....Bentley, we were blessed to have you as our son. Mom and Dad love you ALWAYS. You will never be replaced. Your memory will live on forever, I ca
1 Comment
Roxanne (Roxy) CNA MMC
11/17/2011 12:12:12 am
Dear Stephanie and Blake,
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AuthorWe are going through a very difficult journey-My husband (Blake) and I (Steph) lost our baby boy at 38 weeks. His name is Bentley Charles Nalley. This is a blog to help sort out our grief and express how we feel. Archives
June 2015
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