Lately, I really have slacked on writing. I have tried to write numerous blogs in the past week, and I just can't bring myself to sit down and write. It isn't because I don't have things to say because I certainly do. I certainly have had good moments and bad moments in these last several months. I have had blessings and I had storms. I really don't know how I got to this "4 month mark" without God. No lie. I think about my days, my weeks, and my months, and realistically...what do I see? I see time passing. I see accomplishments, but I really see time just passing. Most days I am either counting down to an important date wishing it would just pass us by or I am counting down til our next appointment. I miss the days where I genuinely enjoyed life. Hm, I don't even know what that means. Yes, I laugh and I smile, and I do things that Blake and I enjoy doing....but at the end of the day, if I could have Bentley....I'd do ANYTHING to have him here in our arms. And, I know many people are probably thinking--Steph, it's been 4 months or they are surprised by my grief because I am currently pregnant. BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT.....I WILL BE GRIEVING MY ENTIRE LIFE. AND, BEING PREGNANT DOESN'T TAKE THE PAIN AWAY.
I will never be over our son. Bentley will always hold my heart. I know that there will days that I laugh or cry or maybe I'll do both at the same time, but I KNOW that I will forever grieve for Bentley. Lately, I have really felt the disconnect between MOST of my friends. I have people who pray and support, and honestly, they are the people who have become my friends. But, my phone doesn't ring. It doesn't flash with text messages. My inbox fills with messages from strangers or from those who have experienced the loss of a child. It isn't the people who've been there my entire life (with the exclusion of a few). My friends that were so ready to have Bentley arrived...walked away. I feel like most days Blake and I have been plagued. We didn't only lose our son, Bentley, but we lost way more than that. We lost hopes, dreams, friends, family, our "normal" life. We lost and will continue to lose a lot more than what people realize. It's funny because the people I thought would be around...have ran far far far away. Is something suddenly wrong with Blake and I? I get the fact that we don't have the same laugh or same smile or maybe there are days we are sad...but a simple "hey, how you doing?" or thinking of you....or maybe a slight memory of Bentley....or maybe just ANYTHING at all. But, nothing. The majority of our friends and even family...NOTHING. To be honest, I don't even know why I write about this because it's something that mothers and fathers who lose a child deal with everyday. Mothers and fathers who lose a baby suddenly turn into people that your friends are either scared of or they just don't care. Not too sure why. I'm still a person. I KNOW that if my friend was going through something like this....I'd be there in a heartbeat. I may not have the answers, but I'm not looking for answers...I'm looking for a friend. We are looking for a friend.
I appreciate those who have been, and I am thankful for the time people were there right afterwards...but the longevity of everything and continuing to be my friend in the long haul means so much more to me than showing up for a week or two after we buried Bentley....parent's who lose a child need friends/support for the rest of their life. There is no time frame to grieve. There are book defined stages of grief, but you know what...it's mostly bull crap. You experience your stages all differently, and then sometimes they start again....so parent's who lose a child need people forever...and it isn't always having to talk about it...we aren't plagued, we can discuss other things in life. Just be there is all a parent wants....I found this link...and it's oh so true. Check it out. http://www.corasstory.org/2012/02/free-ebook-when-friends-baby-dies.html
I wish all my friends read this...
Bentley, mommy and daddy love you oh so much!