Many are probably thinking why was today so hard? No, this isn't really a signifcant date calendar wise or anything, but today when I got called into work, I decided to use the side entrance. The entrance near the ER. The entrance I used to use all the time...until October 19th. I stopped using this entrance on October 19th because it is the way that I was discharged from the hospital. Walking that hallway everyday and standing by that curb knowing that room 2101 was right above me was not comforting. So, I had found new ways to enter the hospital on the opposite side, so that I did not have to go that way, but I thought I could do it today. In my mind, I figured, it has been 5 months, almost 6 months--I'll be okay. WRONG! I parked the car, and I walked towards the curb, and I began to have a lump in my chest, and my heart began to pound. It literally felt like it was pounding out of my body. My eyes were filling with tears. I almost turned and ran the other way. I wanted to call and say "Nope I can't work today." But, I walked through. The images came...I hated leaving that hospital without Bentley. Then, I began to see Blake. I pictured Blake's face in that hospital room 2101, sitting in the window looking so lost and so upset. And, I began to let the tears stream down my face. I quickly ran into the closest bathroom, so I didn't have to have anyone stop and ask me what was wrong or if I needed anything.
When I think about that day...it breaks my heart all over having to watch Blake go through the very same pain. I really can't explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it. We both were going through this together, so we both were feeling our own pain plus feeling the pain for each other. It is awful. I mean, I can't really describe the pain that I get just remember the look in Blake's eyes. I will NEVER forget the images from those days, and I don't just mean delivery. I mean the entire thing from the 4:10pm at Capital Women's Care on October 17th until now. I have flashes of all different kinds of things plus flashes of my pregnancy with Bentley. Now those are good memories...but then they are always backed by sadness. Needless to say, Blake and I both have struggled this week and both of us today.
I am so thankful for Blake. I am thankful that he loves me, and he loves Bentley and Chase and even Bailey so much. I couldn't ask for a better husband and father to our children. It breaks me heart because each time I look into Blake's eyes I see that pain that pain of losing Bentley. He was so involved in my pregnancy, and he was so excited for Bentley to come that I hate that it was taken from us. i hate that we both have to experience this. I just wish we could undo it. I wish there was a genie, and I got three wishes because each wish would be that Bentley be here with us physically. We miss him so much. Words can't even begin to describe.
I hear from a lot of people who just don't understand. They want us to be positive. They want us to not be sad anymore. They just don't understand the magnitude of our loss. And, you know, I try so hard to not get upset about it. I try so hard to grin and bear it, but it is difficult, but I have decided and I have come to the conclusion that I don't care. I'm not going to spend my time being upset or hurting inside because the ones that I thought would be there aren't. I am going to simply say that it is their loss, not mine.
I'm just so thankful for Blake, God, our church family, my mom and dad, Blake's parents, and my supportive friends (they know who they are)...they are what has gotten me through...pushing forward, but I am never forgetting...