I haven't written in a couple of days....I am not really good about sitting and writing about this stuff everyday, but I am trying to force myself too. I'd rather just speak my mind the moment something makes me mad rather than write about it, I guess. But, hey, counselors, doctors, nurses, and all the "specialist" say I should spend time writing each day. So, I am trying.
We both had a rough night of sleep last night. It seemed last night was a really long night...every half hour or so I thought I was awake. Last night I wasn't have nightmares per say, but I kept having flashes of the life that we could have had with Bentley. I don't know which is more heart breaking...the fact of hearing the news and continuing to have nightmares about that or continuing to have dreams of the life we could have had together. Both are pretty intense and bad...I don't wish this upon ANYONE...not even my worst enemy or the most evilest person in the world deserves this.
Blake went to work this morning. I was proud of him. I sat at home staring into space for quite sometime. He came home around lunch time, and we took a nap. It seems sleep in the afternoon is easier than sleep at night--not quite sure why. Pretty uneventful day though, it was nice that my grandparents came by to visit us this afternoon. But, the frustration of the day consisted of this...
So, last week I got a bill in the mail from my doctor's office regarding my visits, but I had the state insurance for my pregnancy because I am still covered on my dad's insurance until I am 26...Well, my doctor's office told back in February when I discovered that I was pregnant that my dad's insurance would not cover my pregnancy so that I'd either have to be self-pay or I would need to apply for state insurance or whatnot. WRONG AGAIN....it just seems that every aspect of that office is now affecting my life that just upsets me...but anyways, I called the office today to find out why I had a bill simply because the state insurance should have covered everything. They inform me t hat I need to call my insurance company, explain my situation again, and then figure out which insurance should be billed....so I call my insurance company and I discover that they would have covered my pregnancy the entire time...and then I had to call the doctor's office back to explain what the insurance company said. Now, obviously I didn't go into great detail in this blog about the situation, but I just HATE that I had to re explain everything when if maybe the billing department at the office would have informed me, say 40 weeks ago that there was issue with the insurance then I wouldn't need to be telling our story to 500 different people. Then, I informed the lady that I didn't want the hospital contacting me within a week reasking these same questions regarding our bill with them. It all just a freaking mess. But, I am thankful that my dad's insurance is primary and the state is secondary which will leave us with nothing to pay....
I did speak with Hospice today though to begin setting up counseling for Blake and I. I am kinda anxious to begin and nervous at the same time. This is all just so odd to both of us because Blake and I both hate asking for help, and we hate just feeling these feelings because it isn't our personality...we are both go getters and overachievers and whatnot. We like things to be in control, and I can tell you that these emotions are just all over the place. It so up in the air--all different stuff triggers different things. One minute I am fine, the next I am mad, and the very next I am sad. I just wish Bentley was here with us. I just know that we love Bentley so much, and it just upsets me because I think about all the people who drop their babies in dumpsters, or the abortion clinic that bags babies up and disposes of them...why?! Why Blake and I? Why do those people get to have babies who don't love their children or abuse them or ignore them? I can tell you for a fact that Bentley would have grown up loving life with us...he may have thought we were a little crazy sometimes, but he would have loved our crazy adventures. :)
I can tell you though, it is 3 weeks today since we found out the horrible news...and I know we are in people's prayers everywhere, but the phone calls are less. The texts are less. The notifcations are less. Everyone else lives go on, and I just feel like Blake and I are here trying to pick up the pieces to ours, like an explosion went off, and people begin helping put everything back together...then it just fades a way. I know Bentley will be remebered, and I can tell you it means the world to us that people speak about him by his name and they visit his grave and the individuals who just simply check in to see how we are doing...it still just feels so alone..like it is Blake and I against this all. I know the Bible answers like I mentioned before. I know God is here with us. And, by no means am I saying that God isn't assisting us through this, but I am discussing physical people. God is with us each day, and I know that because I wouldn't be sitting here typing otherwise. But, the simple thoughts are what means a lot to us these days. We may not be able to run out and stay busy all the time, but I can tell you we appreciate the thoughts..
Just an insight too....things that are everyday common task for people, I can assure you, I have felt them become more difficult. It is frustrating being in large crowds of people. It is exhausting walking around the stores or the mall. It is even difficult to make simple decisions..my brain just goes 500 different directions at one time that makes us feel so absent minded or confused or overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and exhausted are my two words that I use quite frequently. Some people believe I need to stay so busy that we never stop to think about how we feel and others feel that we should just lay in bed...neither really fixes anything--nothing fixes anything..
We are working to find a happy medium between the two....being too busy is exhausting, and not being busy enough is exhausting. Weird, huh? Our brains just never stop....well, I am going to end this on a positive note though...i am thankful for friends and family. I am thankful for our dog. And, I am so thankful for Blake. Blake and I have become so much closer than we already are, and I really feel that we can overcome anything in life now....he's my soul mate, and I couldn't ask for someone better. I just am so happy with him--so I know that I am blessed to have him as my husband, and we are blessed to have such great family and friends to support us.
Bentley....you would have been 3 weeks old tomorrow....so unreal. Mommy and Daddy love you so much, and I hope that Heaven is treating you well. Haha. I know it is. It's been three years since Pop-Pop passed away today, so give him a great big hug for me. We all miss him so much. Daddy and Mommy wish that you were here now, and I don't think this hole in our heart's is ever going to go away, just know that you will never be forgotten. I haven't had the nerve to walk into your room yet, but we have been working on getting some memorial stuff together for you...I wish I could hold you in my arms...I know that you are safe though, and it does give me peace that I WILL see you again..Until we meet again...We love