I can't say that I realize two months has passed. I can't say that know how we survived two months. I really don't know how we have survived one day--to think of two months is crazy, and I can't imagine a lifetime without Bentley. It all overwhelming. It is unreal. It's insane. It was just two months ago this time that I sat in Bentley's room. I sat in my rocking chair telling him that it was okay for him to come. I explained to him all the people he'd be getting to be shortly--only to realize that he was meeting the ones that have already passed. He got to meet my grandparents, Blake's grandfather, and Chuck all too soon.
I had to work today, and I survived it. I survived work just like we've survived every other day--by the grace of God. He has given Blake and I comfort when we have needed it most, and I can attest that my walk with Jesus has grown tremendously. How could it not? I can't imagine having a life without knowing that my sweet little Bentley is being taken care. I can't imagine "searching" for him. A life without the hope of Jesus and heaven really isn't a life at all. But, I can assure anyone and everyone that without God I wouldn't be here right now. I am a firm believer that God is carrying Blake through. I guarentee if I could "see" our path that I would see just one set of footprints. It would be just like the poem says...it would be like Jesus carrying us through. This time two months ago I was riding to the doctors office. I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of Bentley. I miss him so much. Blake and I visit his grave often, but there is nothing that compares to the intense passion that I have to be able to physically care for him. I can relive those few few days right now. I relived them all day. I saw me walk down the stairs of Robinwood. I watched us stand in the parking lot in shock. I drove by "our spot" leaving the hospital today, just because it all comes rushing back. I can hear my mom yelling the lobby of the hospital. I hear those sounds from that day everyday I walk through the lobby. I see the doctor's face. I feel the nurses hugs. I remember the "I'm sorry", and the "I wish there was something we could do". I relive those feelings of helplessness, confusion, frustration, shock, and anger. There are moments it is intense, then it stops...but I haven't made it to the day where "it isn't as vivid". I can't imagine that day... Some days I wish "that day" would come. But, then I HATE "that day". I hate that life moves forward. I hate that everyone can put a smile on their face and have something to look forward to. I smile, yes, but I frown way more. I stare with a blank face more often than a joyful one. I constantly think of the "what life would be". My love for Bentley was already so much, but I can assure you that it has grown each day. I know that "I don't have my son", but he is here. He is in my heart; he is on my mind. I wear this pain along with Blake every day. People say you gain confidence again. They say that as time goes on it will be easier to bear, but does it? Does it truly get easier? I feel like it gets harder. It gets easier to talk about, but it gets harder to go on. It gets hard because I've gone two months. Two FULL months. Two month's that should have been filled with a first bowl movement, a first car ride, sleepless nights, first smile, doctor's check up, first holidays, and just a whole life full of memories with Bentley. But...what do i have? I have a headstone. I have decorations on his grave. I have an empty baby room with the room filled with supplies that I'll never get to use for Bentley... Am I still thankful for those 38 weeks? HECK YES....but is it wrong that I wish a lifetime? I am thankful for every kick or every morning of sickness. I am thankful for every time I had heart burn, and I am happy that I got to hear his heartbeat for those 38 weeks. I am thankful that Bentley changed our lives. I am thankful for that happiness and glow that I had. Bentley brought so much joy to our lives. I seriously believe he brought more joy in my 38 weeks of carrying him than I have experienced my entire life. I just miss him. I will continue to miss him. And my love will continue to grow... I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers...these next few weeks will be tough, and I'm depending on a lot of prayers and hope in God to continue to
4 Comments
Stephanie
12/21/2011 09:21:19 am
Thank you. I'm so sorry you had to experience this. I'm glad you found my blog. Mom's that experience this have a special bond...you are more than welcome to e-mail if you ever want to talk. [email protected] . I know that the holidays are hard, and I know they probably always will. I'd love to hear your story if you ever need a listening ear!
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Will
12/21/2011 08:18:38 am
Wow. This is incredible. What a way to express the story the three of you share, and to find a sense of continuity to all of the events, feelings and thoughts. The is a very sacred place.
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Stephanie Nalley
12/21/2011 09:22:25 am
Thank you for checking it out. It definitely gives me a place to look back and see where our lives have been and where they will continue to go. It helps sort my thoughts and make sense of everything that I am feeling.
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AuthorWe are going through a very difficult journey-My husband (Blake) and I (Steph) lost our baby boy at 38 weeks. His name is Bentley Charles Nalley. This is a blog to help sort out our grief and express how we feel. Archives
June 2015
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