I can easy that question very easily! NO!!!! Bentley died. He died 3 months ago. I learned the worst news of my entire life on October 17, 2011. My life hasn't been the same since. My nightmare began at that 4:30 appointment. At that appointment, I was ready to learn that labor was going to be nearing, not that my nightmare has just begun. I was anxious to hold my precious Bentley, but I wasn't prepared to hear those words. Who is ever prepared to hear those words? I don't know anyone that can be prepared to hear those words that your child's heart has stopped beating before you even get to welcome them into the world.
Our world took a turn for the worst that day. Now, granted we have survived, but I can assure it--it is a daily struggle. It is a continuous effort to put our feet on the ground each and every morning. There are many days that I would rather lay in bed. There are some days that I just want to cry all day. Some days I am scared; other days I am happy. It is a mind game everyday. When you a lose a child, and inparticularly a child that you haven't met...when you welcome your baby with a hello and a goodbye in one breathe--it shakes your world. It changes any sense of normalcy that you thought you once lived. At those moments of times, there is no turning back. There is no time to contemplate who you are going to be. You become a person who goes through life doing a routine. You become an individual who automatically assumes the worst or lives life on the edge. When Bentley passed away, I became a different person, and Blake became a different person. We don't live life naively any longer. It's a life that I don't wish upon anyone.
I am so thankful that we have God on our side. I am so thankful that we can rely on Him to carry us through, but i can tell you that there are still struggles. There is still floods of tears, and my heart still aches. My heart longs to hold Bentley again. My brain contemplate how our lives would be right now. I literally wish I could go back in time and change this outcome. But, I know I can't. I live with the hope that I will see Bentley again though. I will see him Heaven. Bentley is not in the ground. He isn't at his grave. His body is there, but his Spirit will live on forever with Jesus. And, it will be the most glorious day, and it will be a moment that no words can describe. I live for that moment. Everything that I have decided to do in life...I'm doing it for Bentley. He is my motivation for everything. Bentley has made me a better person, day by day. It is because of him that my heart continues to live. It is because of his life that so many people have come into mine.
This last week has been rough. It has been rough because I've experienced so many different emotions. Emotions are fear mostly. Emotions of "what if". I am just going to say this....I've had this awful chest cold. The last cold and only cold that I had during my pregnancy with Bentley was that week leading up to his death. Now, I KNOW that Bentley passed away because of the cord. I know that it was nothing that I did. But, my mind plays tricks on me. This is why...I often think "what if" I would have just gone to the doctors instead of called....I called and they told me to take tylenol cold medicine, blah blah blah....I often think what if I would have pushed to come to the office. What if I would have asked for a sonogram. Would they have seen the cord? Could I have delivered Bentley and he be here with me? Now, I know that anyone can sit back and question life. But, my mind plays games. It makes me wonder those things, and it really messes with my head. I know that there was nothing that I did, but as a mother...I just wish I could have prevented it. So, now that I have this cold...I pretty much been driving myself crazy until we went to the doctor's appt today. It was so relieving to see this life growing inside of me, but it also is so bittersweet. I wish that I had Bentley here with me while carrying baby #2. :( Is that wrong of me to wish? NO!
I hadn't had any nightmares in awhile...until last night. And, this one was bad. I was dreaming, and it wasn't really a dream. It was my reality. It was October 17, 2011 and the events of that day began from the beginning. I heard those words, Stephanie, I'm sorry Bentley's heart isn't beating" over and over and over again in my "dream". I literally awoke yelling in my sleep. :( I hate this. I hate that my "dreams" are my reality. This is what I live with