I really truly believe that God shows up right when we need Him all the time. These last few days I have really struggled. I have struggled to sit at home. I've struggled to go out in public. I've really just struggled. I believe that the closest it gets to Christmas, then the more I realize that there isn't excitement surrounding Christmas. It is our 1st Christmas without Bentley--weird. It should be our 1st Christmas with Bentley and as our family, but he is celebrating it in Heaven. I stumbled upon this book that I had on my shelf that is about struggles we face in life. It is a little Bible study book called "Finding Strength for your Struggles". I've had it for years--never picked it up. It sat on the shelf and collected dust. I opened the page to the middle of the book approximately. Page 33. What does that page say? It has a quote that says, "Worry is putting question marks where God has put periods." Then, it states a Bible verse directly across from Philippians 4:6 which says, "Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks." This kind of hit me hard. One because I worry about everything. I worry about every detail of all the events, and I worry about life without Bentley, and I worry about life with Bentley's younger brother/sister. I worry about when it will happen. I worry about how we will tell people. I worry about almost every aspect of life. And, you know what I don't have to worry. I shouldn't worry. The lesson goes on to talk about Psalm 11:3-4. It states, "When all that is good falls apart, what can good people do?" The Lord is in his holy temple; the Lord sits on his throne in heaven. This verse pretty much means that God is unaltered by our storms. The book says," He is undeterred by our problems. He is not frightened by the things that frighten us. He is in His holy temple. He is on His throne in Heaven. " God is still in control.
I am a prime example of chaos. Blake and I have chaos in our lives. We have questions. I want to scream some days. I cry most every day. I know that there is a bigger picture. A picture that I can't see, and I may never see. I can attest that I am learning. I have learned so much, and Blake and I are continuing to learn. We are continuing to grow wiser through this tragedy. There are no words for a loss of a child. It really is indescribable. I sit and I write about our pain and suffering. I try to explain to people how I feel, but it is truly difficult. It is difficult to distinguish. It is difficult to convey because it is such an unrealistic event. Who thinks about losing their child? Who really even thinks these things happen? Accidents...you never think that it will be you. I hate that it has to be Blake and I. I hate that we both have to watch each other suffer, but I can stand firm that we are not alone. We have met so many families that have experienced this. I have read so many stories on line, and we really do have a lot of people praying for us. I can just ask those that read my blog please continue praying. Some days I don't think without people's prayers that we will make it through the next day. People often ask how we make it through each day. This question I can't take any credit for how we are surviving. I have to say that we go through the motions, and the bottom line is GOD. He has us standing on our feet. I have said it, and I will continue to say...God has brought me to this point in our lives. He gave us Bentley. And, I truly believe that he will carry us through. I am praying that i can turn my worries to God. I am praying that I don't stress about the things I have no control over, and I am continuing to ask for strength to lay everything at the foot of the cross. There is no way I can do this alone. I know that in worldly ways I feel a lone a lot. I know God is on my side, and it is what keeps me going. Blake and I are in desparate
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12/16/2011 03:22:35 am
Stephanie,
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AuthorWe are going through a very difficult journey-My husband (Blake) and I (Steph) lost our baby boy at 38 weeks. His name is Bentley Charles Nalley. This is a blog to help sort out our grief and express how we feel. Archives
June 2015
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